The Loser

flying two

A Flight to seek yourself 

“It’s like running away from life, completely defeated!” He looked at me with those pity eyes.

“I don’t take it that way, in fact I will be liberating from it” I replied with those sparks in my eyes.

He, a friend of mine was proposing me for marriage that day. It came as bold from the blue. I took as granted that he understood what I wanted to be in life, I thought he knew but that day I realized I assumed and expected so much of him to understand me.

“At least give me a chance! All men are not same, I will be good to you” He almost pleaded.

“When I have no faith in the way of life you want to lead me, how can I pretend to be…I can’t” I told him apologetically.

“Fine! Then rot with your bloody philosophies! Live a defeated life! You are such a loser! God damn!” Saying this, he walked off. Upset!

“Loser? Me? Do I have anything more to lose?” I remained talking all alone to myself, smiling ironically.

What have I more to lose? When I have lost the most loved person in the world called mother! If I must endure such a great pain of losing one’s own mother, rest of the pain is almost nonexistent for me. When even the person who means world to me is not spared to stay…how am i to expect anyone to stay with me forever? No one! I learnt to let go off all those who wants to leave.

What have I to lose more? When the most trusted person in this world betrayed me! If someone whom we trusted our heart, body and soul can do this, rest of the world doing this to me, just appears normal  and it hurts no more , I learnt to not expect anyways.

What’s more to lose anyway? When once the person we see as soul mate or best friend turn enemy later in life?

What’s there in life that, I should really cling onto? I did cling to a life’s cliff for so long, where I could see nothing but the depth below if I fall. I couldn’t let loose my hand; it bled profusely and for so long. I struggled a lot to climb over to the top again alive but, there he is telling me to fall off the cliff again.

If I fall again knowing that there is all hurts and the depth below and nothing more, I am a fool. If I expect, I won’t lose anyone and no one would betray me again…I am a super fool.  If I live the same life for the second time, learning nothing from all…I am a super duper fool.

It’s for a great reason we are made to study the histories of women who left everything, including the luxury of being Queens, but all I have in my life is chaos and nothing.  So it’s a shame if I cannot even leave back that chaos, when those women even left their crowns.

So, loser is me such by the world’s definition. So I am in true means of world, a loser. I lost the concept of forever. I lost the sense of living in this realm.

 I lost everything and have nothing. I lost everyone and have no one. Like a caterpillar crawling up the tree, like a pupa hanging on leafs and finally like butter fly… flying away in the open space.

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The Savoir

savoir

A tray in her hand with a bottle of Jack Denials, two glasses and some ice cubes, Dolma walked towards the living room, where Dasho Wangchuk was chitchatting with his friend. She put on the table in front of them and took the exit.

“Who is she?” his friend passed on a mischievous looks.

“Ahhh! Just a maid yeah…forget about her and lets drink” Dasho Wangchuk persuaded his friend.

“Oh! You still prefer ice cubes with Jack Denials huh? Your taste hasn’t changed but I prefer it raw as usual” he helped himself pour a peg of whiskey and bottom sipped it.

 “Hey guys, how do I look?” entered a woman. She was Dasho Wangchuk’s wife. Her face as fair and as freckled as the moon, her eyes painted with smoky thick black eyeliner with various eye shades. The curled up thick black duplicate eye lashes enlarged her single lid eyes. A big black goggle was gently tucked over her head. Her cherry red hair bounced as she walked in high heels and tight jeans covetously towards where they sat. She leaned over him and kissed him.

“Darling, I need 100,000 bucks please” she took out the blank cheque and made him sign. He did it immediately without even asking her the reason. She kissed him again and left right after the cheque was signed.

“How can you even sign the cheque? without even knowing the reason?! “his friend exclaimed! A tinge of concern visibly reflected on his face.

“Ahhh! That’s nothing I would trust her with my life! 100,000 buck is nothing. She is the best. Come on have some more” Dasho Wangchuk brushed off the topic with a laugh and helped pour more whiskey into his friend’s glass.

“Hey maid, come here and clean up the table” Dasho Wangchuk snapped at Dolma and his friend stared at him startled!

Dolma walked towards the table with her head drooped and cleaned up the mess and walked off.

“That’s rude of you! She must be having a name. How can you snap at young woman like that?” His friend remarked.

“Servant is servant after all, why the hell should I know what her bloody name is?” Dasho Wangchuk replied.

“You will never change my friend” He gave a pat on Dasho Wangchuk’s shoulder.

*******

Few years down the line. The national Newspaper reflected the News on Dasho Wanghuck, about his corruptions and scandals.

He was arrested and put behind the bar. From the day he got arrested, he did not eat jail’s food even for once. He would have his favorite food sent over -by. The next day his wife visited him.

“Darling! I knew you would come and you would believe that I am innocent, I did nothing honey!” but in reply, he got to only see her cold plain expression and nothing.

“I never thought you would do such. You are a criminal now and I don’t think I would like to meet you again” saying this, she walked off while he shouted from behind.

“If so why did you send me that food and pretend to care? If you were to do this to me! Why?” he yelled behind her and she turned back.

“Send you food? My foot! A criminal like you don’t deserve even a drop of water from me!” She took the exit leaving him, shocked! And he thought he saw the devil taking exit. More than his wife’s confession he wondered about who really did send him the food if not his wife.

That evening, his food arrived again. This time he caught the duty by his hand and asked him about who sends him that food.

“One woman but she says not to tell you, for she is scared that you will get embarrassed to know that your maid brings you food here. She is your maid Dolma” told the duty and left.

Tears ran out automatically of that arrogant, egoistic and full of pride Dasho Wangchuk’s eyes for the first time in his life that day.

“Please tell her to come and meet me once” Dasho Wangchuk requested the guard outside his prison cell.

*******

The next morning, she was there before him. Her head drooped as always, she didn’t even look at him in his eyes.

“Thank you so much Dolma” and for the first time, he called her by her real name…”Dolma”. She felt so good.

“ Dasho, I know you are innocent, you didn’t do anything” She said without looking at him.

“God! Come again! What did you just say? How do you know?” He jumped on his feet, not able to believe what he just heard.

“Because, I heard and saw your wife and her brothers talk about your forged signatures on various papers the other night. They were all high on drinks. So I had them recorded and took their pictures in my mobile phone. This will prove your innocence.”

Mobile phone! Then only did Dasho Wangchuk remember, just few months back when he was about to discard the phone which stooped working, she appeared and he gave it to her.

“Take this, use it yourself if it’s repairable” He remembered his words.

“That phone, I got it repaired and it works now” She said to him and he went dump founded for a moment. He just stood there staring at her and he thought he saw an Angel in her place. She was truly an Angel for him that moment.

“Time’s up madam, please leave” The duty announced.

“Dasho, don’t worry! I will get you out from here soon. I will do something about it soon” She said this and left.

That night Dasho Wangchuk couldn’t sleep. The two avatars of women haunted him. One woman whom he trusted his life, stabbed him from behind and abandoned him. Yet! another woman whom he always took for granted, a woman whose name he didn’t even care and took as good for nothing became his savior. That night, his mountain of ego came gushing down and flooded away all his pride.

The next day, she got him out on bail. Together they fought and proved Dasho Wangchuk’s innocence and he regained his glory back. The real culprits were put behind the bar where they deserved to be.

 ******

“Dolma, please don’t leave. Stay with me, I want to marry you, I am not the same man” Pleaded Dasho Wangchuk as he watched Dolma pack her bags to leave.

“I would be only happy as I could be, to be Dasho Aum, but someone who loved and treated me all the same even in my maid form, someone who treated me like a queen despite being a maid waits for me. I need to go where I was and where I am and where i will be always treated the same in any situation and in any form” saying this Dolma left.

A man waits on other end with his arms wide open, in his blue uniform… the stars on his shoulder shone like never before and he just added a moon in the his sky of his life.

*******

” Six years ago, your father and i met while i was visiting my then accused boss Dasho Wangchuk for the crimes he never committed, in jail. Your father was then the officer in-charge there. He saw me and liked me but i told him i was just a maid and he fell in love with me and said…” before Dolma could complete, he interrupts…

.”…i said….”its even better, we won’t need a home-helper and have privacy to romance all the time”. The giggled together.

“I saw an Angel with a very big heart. I have seen Angels more beautiful, qualified and rich but not with a big heart and for the first time i saw Angel with largest heart and then i hand-cupped her, imprisoned her in my heart and life…and that is how you came into this world” They were narrating their love story to their five year old daughter as her bedtime story.

 

 

 

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A Thousand Tales

a thousand talesThat day, you called me to ask, “Do you love me?”. I knew she was with you, your phone was on speaker and she was listening too. I then replied, “I DON’T LOVE YOU”. You were standing against her test to prove her your love, how am I to let you down then? I heard your sigh over the phone for the longest, alas! How would I not feel the birth of a thousand tales?

The very ways and means you used, to prove it to her that I don’t love you, the confirmation that you wanted to hear it from my mouth for her, the act of putting your phone over the speaker, the vibes of her presence near you vibrated. I knew, you were trying desperately to convince her that I don’t love you, how am I to not sense a thousand tales?

To have tied a knot to you, to have shared a bed with you, to have mothered your children didn’t serve as a testimony of my love for you. So much so that you had to ask me verbally over the phone to confirm and re-confirm… how am I to not believe in a thousand tales?

Then your second question was, “Do you have a boyfriend?” to which I answered with a big, “YES”. When you had to question my love, when you had to doubt my loyalty…even after having known me inside out, after having been a part of me, after having understood me more than anyone else and I knew, that is what you wanted to hear and believe to make her hear and believe it too… how am I not know a thousand tales?

You would never ask what you have asked, if you haven’t decided to go. You won’t even try and convince her, if you didn’t love her. You wanted to choose the second, because you have never fallen for the first one. You wouldn’t choose the second one, if you have wanted to keep the first one. So, how am I to not understand a thousand tales?

When you have chosen to testify my love to prove your love for her, when you have put a thick doubt over my loyalty to make the space for her in your life, when you have not lived in me, with me despite having been with me for so many years, when you have not known and understood the heart which pumped against yours and the body which became one with yours…how can I not understand those thousand tales?

The echoing voice of mine on your phone, your happy long sighs after hearing my answers, the un-regrettable tone of your voice, the unconquerable guts you had to question me on things that even my enemy would think twice…why wouldn’t I write a thousand tales?

I wrote a thousand tales of your two questions, a thousand tales of my two answers. A thousand tales of your, a thousand tales of mine, a thousand tales of the world, life is but “A Thousand Tales”.

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If You Love Him

if-you-love-someone-9-728

“Why are some women stealing another women’s husband? As if, all the single men were dead huh! My cousin sister puffed out her frustration to me, one day.  She was frustrated about her husband having an affair with another woman. She was adamant to give him a divorce.

“I don’t know! I may be the wrong person comment anything on that…” I told her plainly.

“May that bitch rot in hell, may she get cursed like nothing else, may she choke out blood from her mouth and die….may she…..” she kept cursing another woman to hell.

“How can a woman spell out such curses to another woman like herself? So gross! So foul!”  But then would I do the same if I am in her place? May be I would do the same, may be not, we never know!” I thought to myself.

“Yours is a love marriage right?” I asked her cautiously.

“Right, but what is the use? Man changes a lot after marriage and having kids, then they tend to take everything for granted, you see!” her this very confession took me back then, when some married men flirted and proposed me but to such advancement of theirs, I always had to reciprocate with series of questions.

“Is your marriage, a love marriage? Do you love your wife? Don’t you love her? Aren’t you guilty? What about your family life?” and most of them said, they love their wives and won’t leave her and his family for anything. It was just fun outside home they were looking for.

“If so, why are you flirting and proposing another woman? Why are you cheating on your wife? And it isn’t a fun for any woman to be with a married man for any reason” to which, some of them casually and teasingly replied,

“Always eating one kind of vegetable is boring, tasting different kind of vegetables has its own charm of course on mutual basis” those lines sound so straight and casual but the impact is so heavy. Most of them land up being a species of vegetable in another woman’s pot of curry; only few smarter ones manage to get out then.  The hookers get hooked at times, interestingly. “Some woman fall in love after physical interaction” I warned few of them though.

“So, what could be possible reason? I mean, your husband going for another woman? I brought back my attention to her. After asking this, again a thought ran simultaneously at the back of my mind of what someone said,

“If the store at home is empty, people will obviously go out to look for groceries, starving to death is not only an option” I approved this thought to some extent, of course if what’s missing inside is plenty outside, its people’s tendency to go and look from outside.

I wanted to tell my sister the same but the fear of boosting her already disturbed mind, stopped me from being direct. Instead, I narrated it as a piece of advice, like any other elder would give to their younger ones.

“Instead of always blaming and cursing another woman for taking away your husband, sometimes look back, turn inward and ask yourself, why is he doing that? What is that you are missing something another woman has, something you fail to give him?  Nobody can force somebody to be theirs, at the gun point. You know what I mean? Try to work out on what you are missing in you for you cannot change what another woman has in her. Do that, if you love him, and don’t lose him” I told her.

“If you love someone, let him go, if he comes back he is yours and if he doesn’t, he never was yours” I revoked that saying long time back, when I had to let someone I love go and when I couldn’t love anyone the same like him.  Since then, I advocated strongly to not let someone we love, go.

“No matter what, cost what may, please hold him back if you love him” has been my slogan since then.

“Life is not life, when you can’t marry someone you love and can’t love someone you marry. It’s a big thing, that you are blessed to marry the man you love. Millions around the world don’t get to marry the ones they love for thousands of reasons. Don’t lose him for anything, if you love him” I told her and she understood what I meant.

We fall in love by chance not by choice. As unconditional as it is stated and proved, it happens with anyone, anytime and anywhere but it happens just once with just one person and it’s nothing like it then.

When I fell in love with him, I didn’t even know his name, position, marital status…nothing at all. I just saw him and smiled because I fell for him instantaneously and he reciprocated my smile because he knew it. It just happened, that’s it.

It wouldn’t at all mean, I won’t love him if he was carrying a tag written, “I am married a man, please don’t love me” I as a person may not but who would make the heart understand? A heart wants what it wants. That’s why our heart is hard to tame, it’s impossible actually. May be somewhere, a saint must also be, deeply in love; unless we are heartless…it is not possible not to throb for someone at a point in life.

Married he was then but it aren’t always true, and don’t have to be too… that all marriages are born from love, some are just compromised. His was too a compromised one. I discovered not from himself though but from some other sources. I loved and respected him even more that he took responsibility of his uncontrollably manly instincts of a night stand and of deed in the dark, which have sown a seed.

Born we are at different times, lived we did at different times but fall we did in love, at the same time with each other. It was impossible to not love each other. However, the woman in me had to fight the endless battle with the lover me, where only a heart had to bleed for one’s victory over one’s defeat. Finally, a lover in me gave up to a woman in me for woman in his life. I backed off then, when we had to almost resolve to a solution of marrying each other, I backed off…I did.

From then, I might have admired or respected, compromised or even got married with a man but not loved. Love is just once and I understood so much of it.

So today, even after a decade of letting him go, when I can’t love anyone than him…at times I regret for letting the only man I Love, go.  But then, that time I felt it right to let him go, I let my heart split into two at the mercy of my head’s sword. Down the life, I had to live with both the plight and pride for sacrificing my love. My head and heart became an invincible enemy of each other then. They don’t look eye to eye anymore; they just can’t for killing my love amidst their long fought battle.

So, whenever my sister or any other person decides on giving up on their love, I have just one story to serve as their reference, that is …my un-fulfilled love story and my forlorn life. My decision to stay single tells it a tall tale, perhaps!

“If you love him, don’t let him go” I reminded my sister again. She just heaved a sigh and said nothing. Perhaps, she won’t let him go because she loves him.

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White Roses

A bunch of white roses

Palden was driving back home after a hectic day at office. It was a peak hour and he remained standard in a traffic jam.

 
“Sir, please buy some fresh flowers” A shrill and tiny voice distracted his attention for a while from traffic hassle. It was a little girl selling variety of flowers. Palden saw white roses in the flower basket and lost his heart to that instantly.
 
“How much would be for that bunch of white roses, girl?” he asked.
 
“Just hundred bucks only, Sir” Palden handed her two hundred instead and bought a bunch of white roses. The little girl flashed back a million dollar smile for that extra hundred bucks and went her way, hopping excitedly.
 
Palden inhaled the aroma of fresh roses and smiled to himself, visualizing the happy and beautiful smile those flower would bring on his wife, Yueden’s face. White roses have been her favorite flower of all.
 
All along his way back to home, Palden kept smiling sheepishly to himself, recollecting those days, when he had to wait till dark to steal some white roses for Yueden from the school botanical garden. If she had a white rose, she didn’t care what else he got for her next, but if he missed to present one, he ended up dating the sad her. Yueden would die for white roses then.
 
However, after their marriage, Yueden seemed less fond of the white roses. Palden once bought her a finest bunch of white roses but she let it wither only to be thrown away in the dust bin the next day. Since then, it’s just today, Palden bought her white roses again.
 
“Hi, I am home babe! Look what I have got for you!” he announced excitedly. Yueden was busy doing some dishes. She flashed a quick glance at white roses and then to him but continued with her business without any reaction or a word.
 
“Yueden? What’s wrong with you now? Here, it is your favorite white roses, sweetheart!” he walked to her and showed the white roses. Yueden dashed pass him without a word still. Palden followed her everywhere asking the same till she busted out.
 
“Don’t act like, as if you bought me a diamond ring now. What else can you afford to buy for me than those stupid flowers anyway? Look at your friends wives, they are all wrapped in gold and silver and they live like a queen but look at me I am just your house maid and nothing…” she sobbed. Her confession shocked Palden out of his life. He stood still, stunned!
 
“Well, if that makes you happy take it all and buy everything you want” Palden handed over his ATM card to Yueden the next morning. She silently took it and bought gold ornaments to her heart’s content. That was not all; she wanted everything that her friends had, her greed for material greed kept mounting. Palden had to take salary advances too, to fulfill her demands.
 
Palden became sick of her demands and naggings gradually. He avoided going home early, after office hours; he started hanging around and picked up on drinking habit too. It was only late at night, when Yueden fell asleep; he would tip-toe in the house and sleep in separate room to avoid her naggings. He lost peace of his mind then.
 
One evening, Palden landed up in karaoke with his friends. A group of women had already taken up singing some western songs. Palden and group sat just nearby drinking. A bold friend of Palden requested the girls, if they would like to join their group to which they agreed. Soon, they were singing, drinking and chit chatting like old friends.
 
Except for Palden, he sat silent, gloomy and aloof. Wangmo took noticed of his gloominess however. She deliberately shifted her place next to him.
 
“Hi, is everything ok?” she extended warm smile which went un-returned.
 
“Would you like me to get a drink for you? What brand are you taking?” Wangmo kept bothering him constantly. Palden just shook his head and ignored her.
 
“Wangmo, God! He is so full of attitude…just leave him alone” a friend whispered to her.
 
“Shhhh…such people are not born but made into one. They need help not judgment, let me handle this” Wangmo whispered back to her friend.
 
“Ummm…let’s go for a walk or ride maybe, what you say?” Wangmo requested of Palden.
 
“Hey lady, will you mind your own business and not bother me, for god sake?” Palden fired back at her, annoyed!
 
“I would still insist you, please…. Please?” Wangmo begged.
“Why are all women same? A nagger and all are bothersome bitches huh!” he almost yelled scratching his head in irritation. Wangmo smiled funnily at the sight.
 
“Oh! A woman problem huh! That too of a nagger, I got it now” she thought to herself.
 
Wangmo caught hold of him by his hand and forced him out of the karaoke room. He followed her reluctantly, leaving rest of their friends in amazement.
 
“What’s your problem? What do you want?” he charged her.
 
“My problem is your gloominess and what I want is to hear you out. Emotions are not to be suppressed and controlled, it will kill you gradually, and you need a listener. Common, I will be a good listener for you, please pour it out, all of it” Wangmo tried to convinced him.
 
“Are you all like that?” Palden asked her after a moment of silence.
 
“Like that, means how?” Wangmo intended to dig out more.
“Like… demanding, commanding, materialistic and a nagger? Basically, eating up the peace of mind of others?” Palden busted out then.
 
“Not all, but some really are, is it about your ummm….wife or girlfriend?” Wangmo asked cautiously.
 
“It’s my wife actually; she has changed from a loving wife to a shrewd one recently. I tried to give her all I can afford and keep her happy yet her demands keep multiplying and her naggings too. She started picking up on petty things recently. Just yesterday evening, I got a call from my female colleague regarding some issues at office and she picked up on that and mess it out completely. I am scared even to go home now. She left her job for me and I do everything to compensate that and I love her as still. She doesn’t understand. My home is at the verge of breaking. I don’t know what to do, I can’t live without her and with her too…God!” He sounded completely broken.
 
“Oh, I understand what you are going through, I am sorry” Wangmo gave a soft pat on his back. There was a silence filled the atmosphere for a while, only the sound of their footsteps was heard then.
 
“Did you try talking to her on this regard? If she was a working woman before, it’s not easy for any women to lose one’s own identity and independence instantly. Maybe, she is frustrated, losing her own identity. Maybe, she has taken up as an option to look her identity in material bliss, to maintain her social status and to be visible to the world. Maybe, she has lost her self-worth that is making her feel insecure and possessive. For some woman, becoming housewife is not just one dream, maybe she will have her own dreams to fulfill, a work that she loves to do. She is fighting an endless self battle, which projects into frustration and you become her target by default. If you may, try and work out on those things, try and help build up her dreams and keep her occupied. Help her grow in every aspects of life, be it personally or professionally. A man can be happy as much as his woman is. She needs help and you are the only and right person to do so…staying away from home and running away from problems can solve nothing, in fact it will keep multiplying. How about fighting the battle against life together than fighting individually? The chance of survival is more then. I may be a wrong person to tell you all these in a wrong place as such but the fact, I am also a woman, isn’t wrong at all….” Wangmo finished her long lecture to which Palden listened patiently and nodded in full acceptance. He heaved a longest sigh through smile and she knew he found himself back.
 
It was quite a night for them, a soul searching one indeed. They exchanged their numbers and promised to keep in contact for such in future.
 
After few months, almost a year in fact, a bokay of white roses was delivered to Wangmo with a ‘thank you’ note from floriculturists, Yueden. Yueden’s floriculture business seems to do well in the market. However, she not only cultivated white roses but of all varieties of flowers and Palden and her married life has, too turned colorful like that of flowers in Yuden’s garden.
 
Wangmo smiled to her heart’s content, sitting in a room of a psychologist.
 
 
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The Valentine Gift

new post
 
“Men are like tissue paper for me, use and throw stuff!” She declared. Pulling herself away from his arms, distancing herself from him, she turned her back on him.
 
“Whaaaaaaaat?” he jumped on his feet, stood still for a moment staring at her, aghast!
 
“Yes! I use them and throw” she repeated.
 
“Look at me and say the same, dammit!” He pulled her by arms, forcing her to face him. She looked straight into his eyes and repeated the same. The color of his face changed, he is at the verge of despair. She looked away from him, closing her eyes, she pretended to fall asleep.
 
“I can’t believe this! Tell me this is another cheap prank of yours, please…” He begged. Sitting beside her, putting his arm over her wrist, he was in tears.
 
“I mean it! I will disappear in the morning without a hint, I am done using you. Treat this night as your valentine gift”. The brutality in her confession broke him further down.
 
“Awwwwoooooo!” That was all he could say and sat still beside her for a while till she faked a snore. He then picked up his pillow and moved out of bedroom at snail’s pace, completely lost. Back on sofa, he couldn’t sleep. Her words kept echoing and haunting him, it hurt him to the depth.
 
She was the only woman; he loved with all his heart, out of many whom he flirted and had affairs with.
*************************
“Please don’t leave me…I love you…I need you…you can’t do this to me…may be one day you will feel the same hurt and realize my hurts too…then only you will know how it feels like… but then it will be too late for you to turn back…watch out my words…” Those words uttered by the women, whom he played with in the past kept echoing around him. Every word of theirs was a stab on his heart and he broke down miserably, covering his mouth with a cushion.
 
Back in the bedroom, she closed her eyes and seeking forgiveness from herself for being rude to him. She loved him but to trust him was the nearest to impossible for her. She was in the thought that, like so many women in the past in his life, he is only using her and he will desert her after that. Despite him telling her, he loved her and want to marry her…she could never believe in him, for those have been the same dialogue he used for every woman he dated.
 
So she decided to turn the table and took the first step to tell him, before he deserts her after having spent a night with her.
 
“I know, a man like him can love no one and be nobody’s. I also know, I am his present victim but it’s OK, I loved him and there is no one that I would like to spend my valentines than him. But this is the last time” she consoled herself to sleep.
 
However, he remained wide awake. The faces of those women whom he left heartbroken, flashed before him and haunted him like a ghost, their words pierced through his heart like a sharp knife.
 
“I am sorry…I am sorry…I am sorry” He uttered…unconsciously to the deeds of his past when the words from the woman he loved at present came tumbling down upon, almost killing him.
 
“But I love her and want to marry her…I love her truly….please God! Make her realize that I can’t stay without her” he kept muffling under breath to himself with continuous flow of tears from his eyes.
 
The words she uttered “Men are like tissue paper for me, use and throw stuff!” He wished it to be just a bad dream and nothing.
 
The next morning, she found him sound asleep on a sofa, embracing a cushion. Silently like a cat, she tip toed out of his house, took a last look at him and whispered.
 
“It is not because I don’t love you but because you don’t love yourself enough to entrust your heart, body and soul with just one woman. So, It is all the better that I leave than you leaving me broken throughout my life. I know, tomorrow for you is new day, new love and new woman. All the best but try and not break anymore hearts dear. Goodbye!” She left him after having spent a night with him on Valentine’s night.
 
When he woke up, emptiness filled his heart, she was long gone. Her number appeared switched off. He got completely cut off from her world. The only woman he loved and wanted to marry seems nowhere.
 
From then, it wasn’t a new day, a new love or new woman for him. He kept looking out for her desperately, till he came across her holding a baby.
 
“Oh! Zangmo, there you are…I have been looking for you all these times…where and how have you been. God! ” Almost breathless, he extended his arms for a hug.
 
“Hey! Mister! Who is Zangmo? I am Wangmo, these days’ people seem intoxicated all the time huh!” she walked across dashing him away. He watched her leave, but in awe.
 
 
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Dear Daughter

mom n d

All accumulated wealth will exhaust. All meetings will end in departing. All born will die. Nothing lives forever.

Therefore, if I don’t live long till you grow up to understand me and life, if i don’ t live long enough to tell you myself, be not sad for I will have it inscribed into a book.

First and foremost, know that, it is not important of what other people think and talk about us. It is also not important to take it to heart, how they judge our living. People will always have something to talk about.Those things should not bother you and become blocks in living your life. Live your live, the way you want to.

No matter how much ever you try, you can never please some people, including few loved ones. If you fail, even having given your 100%, just ignore it and let it go. It isn’t mean to be.

Don’t compromise the man you love for anything. When you look back in life, he will be the only one you love, want and need in life. Life isn’t living when you cannot love the man you married and cannot marry the one you love. Because you love only one man. Cost what may but hold back the man you love. Never ever let him go for anything. Be extremely selfish here. If not,you will be dying inside daily and will regret till your grave.Love is just once and you won’t be able to love others the same like your first and true love.If you should know the power of love, just know that…it brought the years of war between the countries(Refer Trojan War).

Most often people become stone hearted, when their goodness is over exploited. You might lose faith in humanity when people don’t treat you the way you treat them. If you need help, ask! don’t just expect and assume people will help you like you did to them. Expectation hurts because it goes unheard but asking doesn’t.

Love, compassion, care and attention. Don’t limit it only to your loved ones. Everyone needs the same, even the animals.

If you have not liked people talking behind your back, others won’t like it too. Don’t bitch from behind but tell it to their face and let them choose between slyness and bluntness. People are not born same, don’t expect them to align it to your thoughts and lifestyle. There are reasons for everything.

For the fact, if you choose to have male friends and be in their circle, people will definitely raise their eyebrows. Don’t lose a good male friend because of those people who is not even important to you. Male friends are more open minded, reliable, no jealousy, no slyness and no competition. So don’t loose friendship for anything. Friends are most important people in our live. Choose wisely and few. Friend to all can be friend to none at times.

Respect all, even the sweepers around. You mustn’t become an officer at the cost of human values. Respecting someone lower to your status won’t shun yours.

Character is the most important and beautiful thing in a woman. Don’t compromise it just like that, in case if you have to…do it in a way that you don’t regret it. Make sure your own consensus approves it. What’s with the people around, they can make someone character-full or character-less according to their moods and interest. Conflict of interest in judging makes shit as diamond. They can only safeguard the character of their own and loved ones…no matter how flawed. People are gullible. Even your beauty and openness might become the reason for people to categorize you as a lose character woman. Don’t give damn but live on with strong self respect and confidence. If you can have an eye contact with the one staring back at you in the mirror, you have not gone wrong anywhere. If you lose self respect, you lose it all, you will feel like a shit. Inner self is the best judge of yourself not the people around.

Thinking and living life in positive aspects can achieve happiness like nothing. Don’t assume much, don’t think much but confront with a reality boldly, be always practical. If someone calls you a dog, you will feel ragged of anger in you instantly but ultimately you must think of the good qualities dogs have, like loyalty? That’s lacking in humans. So? you feel angry being compared to an innocent animals as such dog. In fact it is like a compliment. You feel inferior when compared to dogs because they take shits, but do you? If not there is nothing that you should mind at being called dog. That way, you retain inner peace and save a friendship perhaps by your positive reaction. Happiness is this and life is this my dear daughter.

Scratching a little here and there for today, if tomorrow never comes. I always say, tomorrow is a furthest dream. Impermanence largely perched at our threshold…nothing is forever.

My dear daughter, forgive me if am spending more of my time with laptop because am writing this all for you. I am a guest in your life, here today nowhere tomorrow but this book will be always with you till your grave.

For now, I can hear you shouting from outside”Mummy, dustbin gari wonyee”. So I need to stop here to continue later….

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My Favorite Poem

 

mirrior

I am in love with the following poem by Sylvia Plath. It’s a mirror’s expression of a woman’s aging.

“In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman. Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish”

These last two lines are mesmerizing and worth contemplating of woman’s old age. I simply love it.

“Mirror” – Sylvia Plath

“I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
What ever you see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful—
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.”

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The Caged

caged

“Born free yet caged he was, caged her heart is, caged both of them are…”

Yangden sat on a rock, her chin rested on her right hand and her left hand simultaneously playing with her phone. A lefty she was and people nick named her ‘lefty” and known by that name in village. Her siblings and friends teased her of being born opposite and they would say,

“No wonder you are a lefty and do everything opposite”. Indeed she was a lefty and a different one.

Her eyes were frequently scanning over the pasture land, seeing her cattle graze around the field and not attack other’s maize field, she would get engrossed again with her phone.

She kept gazing at one particular number, gently caressing the number with her fingers over and over again, the tears rolled down her cold trodden cheeks, fell right on the mobile screen and blurred the number that’s so dear to her.

“Why God? Why me?” she looked up at the sky and wept in silence, embracing her phone.

It has been almost a year, since Yangden last heard of him or met him. She met him over the phone and since then their love for each other grew truly.

Yangden, was a cow herder in the remote east. She looked after the cattle, sold butter and cheese to raise expenditure for her siblings who were studying then.

She was the happiest, when her younger brother gifted her cell phone from his first salary and soon the black and white Nokia mobile phone became her everything.

“Hello, I tried for a lucky number and if you don’t mind, can we be friends?” she got from a man one day.

“Hallo, it doesn’t matter but I think you won’t like to be friend with a cowgirl like me” she replied with honesty and that made him giggle.

“Oh, doesn’t matter the status, friends can be of all types and in all forms, happy to meet you. May be we are fated to meet.” He replied softly and she liked it.

Thereafter, they kept talking to each other day out and night in and soon fell in love indomitably. It was the first time she fell in love. She promised him, she will come and meet him in winter for then the cattle are let free and doesn’t need to be herd.

“I will wait for you, I wish I could come to you, if I was not in the situation I am in” and she understood all he meant, he had one unavoidable situation he always mentioned with honesty.

Yangden was a cow herder from her childhood and never seen or been to any other places. Yandgen’s parents died in an accident, when she was a little girl.  She never went to school but went to the forest to herd cows with her grandfather, since from the childhood and grew up to be a professional cowgirl later in her life.

As promised, Yangden went to meet him. She waited in queue to get her name and other details registered in visitor’s list and to be called later. She waited outside impatiently with a bag of cheese and butter, since he told her he is a vegetarian.

“Ms. Yangden, come in” her name was called and she rushed towards the room, her heart almost busting against her chest.

She was put into a room and made to sit. She sat there biting her nails nervously for about ten minutes.

“Tsling…tsek…tsling…tsek” the sound like rattling of heavy metals were heard. Before Yangden could make out of those the sounds, he appeared.

There he was, his hands were handcuffed, legs chained heavily and as he walked towards her, the sounds of chains filled the room. A prisoner he was, like he confessed to her over the phone.

Yangden stared at him in disbelieve, like in a dream. Thousands of question arouse in her mind. Her heart throbbed at the sight of him.

He was in his early forties, well built and had long hair and a long mustache too. He has been there for almost fifteen years like he said.

Yangden slowly rouse from the bench at the sight of him and kept staring at the heavy chains that was tied to his hands and legs.

“Yangden?” he called her name and she got startled.

“Yes…yes…but what’s this now? I have never imagined you like this…what is this”? She enquired like any other naïve village girl would. Yangden have never seen a prisoner before, she was least aware of the situation he would be in. It totally shocked her.

“I am sorry to have appeared like this but what am I to do? I am helplessly in love with you but I never lied to you that I am a prisoner” he sounded apologetic for leaving her shocked.

“I know…but, this extreme? I never thought so…but doesn’t matter now, it is all ok” she said, trying to gain normalcy in her stand.

“You see Yangden, I wanted to tell you all over the phone but it was not possible over the phone, hope you didn’t mind. The crimes I have committed while young and senseless cost me to grow old here and there is no way out from here for am a life prisoner” he confessed. Yangden could say nothing then to nod her head in agreement to what he had to say.

Yangden was allowed to spend a night in cell with him. Her feelings towards him didn’t change but grew more out of pity. Thus, that night the walls of prison saw the union of two true souls in love and there was a shower of rain from the above. They remain talking to each other the whole night, expressing love towards each other. Though his hands and legs were tied chains, it was not too close…it had the distance of some inches, where he could at least walk and eat.

“Yangden, thank you for your sincere love and I love you the same. But look at me, you have no future with me, what can someone like me give you? Nothing at all, so I will understand if you leave all your feelings here with me and look for new life outside of this” He spoke tears rolling down his eyes and hers too.

“I want nothing, you love me and i love you…that is all I want and I will wait for you…” she told him but deep within both knew, things isn’t possible as they talked.

Till today, Yangden waits with a hope, one day he will be out of the prison, marry her and live happily. Worst still, she couldn’t contact him over the phone for the cell phones were banned in prison after a prisoner escaped and their world got disconnected forever.

Yet! Yangden’s heart is still loyal to her caged love and waits……

His prison wall still echo’s her words “….i will wait for you…I will wait for you…I will wait for you….”

 

 

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A Thousand (WHYs)

queston

The room was lit with flickering colorful lights, the blasting contemporary ‘Dzongkha’ dance was played on and the Angel-like girls on the stage were synchronizing their curves sensuously with the tune of the music. The environment was all set to lure and entertain the customers, more of it, the male customers from all walks of life. It was in a ‘Drayang’.

Sitting on an exotic couch, crossed legged, he sipped on his whiskey. His eyes were fixed on a particular dancer on the stage. As her curves waved like a snake, her silky hair danced with her bodily moments, her gracefulness intoxicated him more than his black level. He gave an unconscious moan of pleasure from within.

“What’s her name?” he asked to a waiter, eye gesturing on her.

“She is Phuensum and joined just yesterday Sir, why sir?” the waiter told him politely but fed extra information and added a question in typical Bhutanese way.

Phuensum, a seventeen year old girl joined ‘Drayang’ just a day ago and here she was already being targeted.

“Hmmm…do you have her number”? He asked the waiter cautiously.

“No Sir, but I will manage to get it for you, if you are interested” the waiter smiled at him and he smiled back. Their smiles and thoughts were of mutual.

“Please, do me that favor” He requested and the waiter disappeared and appeared with her number instantly.

He clenched in waiter’s hand, a note of five hundred bucks as a token of gratitude, took more shots of whiskey and left the ‘Drayang’ with contented smile.

***

“Hi, you are beautiful girl and dances so good, can we meet?” he called her that night, being so direct.

“Hello, oh! You were there this night and liked my dance? Oh God! Thank you so much but I don’t know you” she answered him with all her innocence, as innocent and unexposed like a pond’s frog.

“And you got a sweet voice too, would you like to meet me now?” He exploited her innocence immediately and caught hold upon her weakness of getting happy upon being praised.

“Hmmm….meet you? Now? But, how?” She answered glowing shy-fully.

He could visualize the coyness in her expression and the green signal sent over from other end was received well and she smiled sheepishly.

“Yes! Now…I will come to pick you up in ten minutes, will call you when I reach there, see you!” He hung up the call and rushed to the spot.

There, she stood in the parking. In tight jeans, high heels and a short jacket over top, she looked even more voluptuous than before.

“Hi, you look even more beautiful in these western dresses, it suits you. Come in” He opened the car’s door for her, she slipped in and they whirred off.

“So Phuensum, where do you wanna go for ride?” He asked her.

“Hmmm…wherever you wanna take me, I am all yours tonight” She told him, leaving him shocked. He gave her an unpleasing look wordlessly.

“So, you mean, you are …hmm…errr… into such thing?” he asked in hesitancy

“If I say no, I would be lying and I don’t want to lie about my job that I am surviving on” She was direct to her points and he got lost at words for a moment.

“But I thought you knew” She continued “…and for that reason you wanted to meet me but if it’s not for that reason, we are wasting our time”

“To be honest, I didn’t know that and I wasn’t looking for just that in you” disappointments took over his tone of voice.

“At the very first sight, I wanted to know you and be friends and…” she interrupted him then

“Sorry, women like us are nobody’s friend, girlfriend or anything else. Its only business” she put her point across adamantly.

“But why? I mean, why you are into such?” He became involuntarily genuine. There is something in her that he didn’t want to treat her like any other girl on the street.

“Look mister, it is not your business to know, just mind about tonight’s business” she frowned in disappointment.

“I am sorry; I didn’t mean to offend you. How much do you charge?” He aligned his talk with hers smartly.

She gave him a surprising look and wondered, if he wasn’t really aware or pretending to not know anything about girl like her.

“I don’t think you are ready anyways, so forget about the charges and drop me home please. I am tired” She went on being too plain.

“OK, tell me the location” He promptly replied.

“Oh, what a man! What a waste” She thought to herself and leaned back on car’s seat hopelessly, directing him her place’s location.

He dropped her on highway and saw her disappear down the bushes and wondered where exactly did she stay for he couldn’t see any houses nearby the road.

***

Phuensum’s mother gestured her in sign language, “What about dinner?” Phuensum nodded and asked in sign language too, if she had taken dinner too, to which her mother nodded and Phuensum added in gesture that she is tired and want to sleep. Puensum’s mother was deaf and dumb from the birth.

Back at his home, he couldn’t sleep. He turned, twisted and remained awake from the sleep.

“Are you alright? What’s bothering you?” asked his wife in her half sleep.

“Nothing, change in sleep pattern I guess” he told her but then it isn’t that. The thought of Phuensum bothered him a lot; something about her attracted him like a magnet.

“Why do I feel, like I have known her for ages? Why is that I feel like she is my own? Why, I am automatically attracted towards her and of all why is that I feel bad about her doing such business? Why is she into such? And why should I even care? But I care… but why? Why? Why?” He kept asking those questions to himself of the answers he had none.

Phuensum was searching for her cell phone in her hand bag, when suddenly she came across a bunch of five hundred notes. She didn’t have a slightest idea from where it came till she opened her cell phone and saw an SMS.

“Phuensum, I have left some money in your bag without your notice. Please don’t get me wrong. And I am not someone who buys sex. I seriously wanted to know you and keep in touch for the reasons I don’t know myself. Though you are too young to be my friend, still let’s be friends and keep in touch. Goodnight!” She had no reply.

Phuensum brooded over those gestures and words, holding money in her hand still. And now, it was her turn to ask why? Why and why? She remained awake too. In fact both of them lost their sleep that night and visited each other’s thought.

“Thank you so much! But, that wasn’t necessary” She text him the early morning.

“Thank God! You are not offended. I was bit worried though” He text back and wondered to himself, why should it matter at all anyways, whatever!

That evening he landed up in the same ‘Drayang’ again and she noticed him then. She shrugged away from the touch of the other customers in his presence and she wondered why, why she was doing that?

Phuensum walked to where he was sitting and gave him a warm welcoming smile and his heart melted.

“I need to talk to you; will you come with me after your duty is over?” He requested of her.

She bit her lower lips and thought for awhile.

“Sure” slipped out the response involuntarily but in confusion. Her heart said ‘yes’ and head said ‘no’.

“I will wait here then” He said and she nodded in reply. He waited for her patiently, while she performed her dances with awkwardness in his presence. Suddenly, she felt bad and so did he about the environment that brought them together.

Finally, almost towards the midnight, she got herself freed from her duty and together they drove off.

“Do you really need to do this? I mean such kind of job?” He asked her, his voice full of concerns.

“I must, there is no way out for woman like me. I guess it’s my fate, so…” She sounded sober than the other night.

“I want to help you out but not for anything…just as a friend, will you cooperate”? He looked in her eyes fearing the answer. She thought for a while and answered.

“Hmmm….i don’t know, life has been not any better for me anywhere. My mother fled the village since she found out, she was pregnant of some months. She worked for some rich people as a maid and I was born in a maid’s house at rich door step. I went to school with those rich kids but only to face severe discrimination, being a maid’s daughter. I couldn’t continue after class five, after that I helped as a maid to the rich house with my mother. When I grew old enough to think something of my own, I left that house with my mother and did everything to survive and sustain, all in all I am doing all for my mother. I want to keep her happy and healthy; she suffered hell and……” Her eyes turned moist and voice shaky. He put his hand over her arm and patted softly in assurance.

“It’s alright Phuensum, we all have our shares of sad stories. But how about your father, where is he?” He asked her.

“I don’t know. My mother is born deaf and dumb and some people seemed to have taken advantage of it and impregnated her. I am a bastard…I have scanned every men on street with suspicious eyes of being my father…you see!” Tears rolled down her cheeks and she opened to him like a closest friend ever and he listened to her piteously.

“Can I come and meet your mother once? Only if you are comfortable” he asked her doubtfully.

“Sure, but not at this hour. May be in the day time sometimes this weekend” She wiped off her tears and smiled at the thought her mother’s happiness to have someone come and meet her.

“Anything to make her happy and smile” Phuensum thought to herself and radiated happiness from within, visibly on her face.

He dropped her to the same place. They hugged goodnight and parted on their ways. Two nights of meeting and they were already a close friends, despite of vast difference in their age and status.

***

By and by their friendship bloomed into a love affair. He protected and sheltered her world. She left the work in ‘Drayang’ and opened a cloth shop with his help and the business did well. She shifted her house from basis of slum to a decent building. Everything went well for her and her mother.

It was her house warming party; she kept it upon his suggestion to boost her social circles. She invited few and closed friends. Her mother looked happy like never before, though deaf and dumb…she tried to be a good host, merely asking the guest around to eat, drink and enjoy in sign language gracefully though.

He was the last to come, he came with a friend. He bought some foreign wine and some gifts. The moment he entered, her mother never stopped staring at him and Phuensum. She was meeting him for the first time. She dragged Phuensum by her hand to a room and asked in hand gesture, where did she meet him, how does she know him and why did she not tell her before.

Phuensum told her, he is a friend and God father to them. She told her mother, he is the one that helped them live a decent life.

Phuensum’s mother gestured her hand and asked Phuensum “How did you know”?

“Know what”? Phuensum gestured back to her mother, confused! Her mother touched her womb and pointed to Phuensum and showed in sign language that,

“He was the one who has impregnated me, he is your father” and she went on telling a story, all in hand gestures, she told Phuensum that, that man came on tour to their village seventeen years back with a friend. He was in drunkard state, not able to stand on his own. His other friend persuaded her to sleep with him and promised her; in the morning…they would ask her hand and marry her off. However, the next morning, before dawn they disappeared. He didn’t even see her face properly for once, but she said, she could never forget the face of the man, who impregnated her and that he is the one.

Phuensum went all pale and down on knees. A knock on a door and there he stood, greeting her mother with a warm smile.

“Happy to meet you Ama” he extended his hand to shake with hers. Phuensum, folded her two hands into one and pleaded in gestures, not to let him know and her mother nodded but with thousands of questions of WHY’s in her eyes.

 

 

 

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