“It’s like running away from life, completely defeated!” He looked at me with those pity eyes.
“I don’t take it that way, in fact I will be liberating from it” I replied with those sparks in my eyes.
He, a friend of mine was proposing me for marriage that day. It came as bold from the blue. I took as granted that he understood what I wanted to be in life, I thought he knew but that day I realized I assumed and expected so much of him to understand me.
“At least give me a chance! All men are not same, I will be good to you” He almost pleaded.
“When I have no faith in the way of life you want to lead me, how can I pretend to be…I can’t” I told him apologetically.
“Fine! Then rot with your bloody philosophies! Live a defeated life! You are such a loser! God damn!” Saying this, he walked off. Upset!
“Loser? Me? Do I have anything more to lose?” I remained talking all alone to myself, smiling ironically.
What have I more to lose? When I have lost the most loved person in the world called mother! If I must endure such a great pain of losing one’s own mother, rest of the pain is almost nonexistent for me. When even the person who means world to me is not spared to stay…how am i to expect anyone to stay with me forever? No one! I learnt to let go off all those who wants to leave.
What have I to lose more? When the most trusted person in this world betrayed me! If someone whom we trusted our heart, body and soul can do this, rest of the world doing this to me, just appears normal and it hurts no more , I learnt to not expect anyways.
What’s more to lose anyway? When once the person we see as soul mate or best friend turn enemy later in life?
What’s there in life that, I should really cling onto? I did cling to a life’s cliff for so long, where I could see nothing but the depth below if I fall. I couldn’t let loose my hand; it bled profusely and for so long. I struggled a lot to climb over to the top again alive but, there he is telling me to fall off the cliff again.
If I fall again knowing that there is all hurts and the depth below and nothing more, I am a fool. If I expect, I won’t lose anyone and no one would betray me again…I am a super fool. If I live the same life for the second time, learning nothing from all…I am a super duper fool.
It’s for a great reason we are made to study the histories of women who left everything, including the luxury of being Queens, but all I have in my life is chaos and nothing. So it’s a shame if I cannot even leave back that chaos, when those women even left their crowns.
So, loser is me such by the world’s definition. So I am in true means of world, a loser. I lost the concept of forever. I lost the sense of living in this realm.
I lost everything and have nothing. I lost everyone and have no one. Like a caterpillar crawling up the tree, like a pupa hanging on leafs and finally like butter fly… flying away in the open space.